Well..this week is weird.
A bunch of ex stuff just welled up inside me outta nowhere. Then I randomly saw a guy I dated for a bit...riding his bike down my street?! I hate that crap because my brain automatically jumps to "what the hell does all of this mean"?
I keep randomly thinking about my ex fiancee. And its like "I really actually loved him". A lot. He was actually the best guy I dated my whole life. The only one who actually cared about me personally most of the time, though I was too insecure to believe it. He put me first...but I always thought I was last...because of his child and his job and his fam. He always thought about me...gave me money when i was going to fall behind on rent, brought me lil things to cheer me up when I was sad. I was a fn jerk. I remember I was mad at him one time ...and he drove all the way to my house w his daughter to bring me coffee and a present ...and I took off before I got there because I didnt want to see him. I didnt want the cheering up..I want to mope and stew...and be a shit. He put up with so much idiocy from me...he wasnt an angel all the time...but I def understand now...how taxing I was on him, the relationship..our love. And why he just wanted easy...peaceful. I get it now... I was a lot. Hostile. Emotional. I was great too...dont get me wrong, I think I showed him a lot of beautiful things to go along w my ugly self loathing side....but yeah...hindsight is 20/20. I hated him so much after we broke up...I was so hurt he left. I understand now...its not necessarily right..I wouldve liked him to have been able to communicate to me..what I was doing to him & us..that I couldnt see...but I think we were both really bad communicators...bottling everything up..and shutting down completely or blowing up. I wish I coulda told him how Id never felt love..how I didnt know how to feel it or show it properly...or gratitude even though I felt it. I wish I coulda been stronger against my bad behaviours I felt I couldnt control. i wish I coulda understood him better...and he me. But I guess we had to break up to learn who we were and what we had to change. I miss his heart sometimes. We had a lot of happy amazing times. He showed me what real love and real heartbreak were. I wouldnt have chosen anyone else to experience that w. I will always love his heart.Its a good one, he is a beautiful soul.Then, I started thinking about the most recent guy...wondering if I kissed bad and thats why he didnt want to continue anything. Its never happened to me though? Maybe he felt nothing...maybe we didnt have chemistry? I felt it like crazy though..like I was a giddy school girl...I was so excited...floating on cloud 9 when I got home from our date and days after. I guess he didnt feel any of that. It makes me sad. All of it was such a weird journey...I was so patient...I cared about his feelings more than my own. I did everything in my power to make him feel comfortable and not rushed...it took 3-4 months for us to even go out. Then...it was over. What a gip! Lol I felt so nervous around him...but yet...so comfortable once we got close...i just wanted to stay in his arms forever...it was fn weird. I crushed so hard on this dude. Hasnt happened to me in awhile. So, I think about him sometimes I guess...wondering wtf happened.
Then...dude on bike...lol fuckin weird! Outta the blue...so out of the blue I didnt even know what to do..."should I say hi"?? I kept walking. I dont know if he even saw or remembered me??..After...I was like "Maybe I shoulda talked to him...maybe we coulda started making out again" he was a good fn kisser...cant lie...I was always connected at the face w that guy. I didnt really like anything about him other than we drank in parks together and went to some shows which was fun. But ugh...i could go for some hot makeout action right now. Good kissers are hard to come by. And so great to be around. Mmmm. I will never grow out of a good makeout session..ever ever. |