I am such a strange person. I spend a lot of time watching human interest/condition stories on youtube. I think I know more about rare medical conditions than some doctors might at this point. Things on lifestyles, social problems, diseases etc. I even cry my eyes out sometimes feeling so bad for what some people go through, wishing I could help them, thinking Id be a friend or whatever I could be to make them feel better. lol then I go out into society on the regular and just feel anger. I think mean things, I inadvertently judge people, seeing a trait and thinking it defines a person...or "god you really smell please dont sit beside me" or "im gonna punch your child if it doesnt stop screaming". I sit around thinking we are all connected, we are one, we all need love and understanding, compassion...yet walking down the street or riding on transit - i have none for anyone. When I see someone say something rude to someone I think " what an ass you are" but in my head, im really no better. I give old/pregnant people my seats and I dont sit in the designated disabled spots, but every now and again I'll feel mad I have to - because im tired and just want my seat. Im anti-social, I never think I'll enjoy meeting new people ( but most of the time I do), I avoid people and gatherings, I dont even like looking at people most times. Yet alone in my apt, all i want to do is help all these people I dont know and will never meet. Im a fruit loop right? It makes no sense!!??
I feel like I dont fit in, I dont belong, I never did. Like Im an alien who was dropped here. I dont understand a lot of human behaviours, I dont even understand myself lol. crap im falling asleep..getting up at 5-6 am everyday has made a zombie.I have a job..i hate it but its only a couple hours a day so im living w it for now. |