2018-06-22 :: 10:47 p.m.
Is it possible to lust so hard that you think youre in love? I think that happens to me a lot. Either that or I love for very little reason, and fall out just as easily...or spend thousands of years pining away. Either/or.
I always feel like I love guys...when I probably just want to bang them or something. I get all googley eyed and "omg we both like stuff, we are soulmates!" Ive prob always been crazy.Oh well...why stop now, its worked so well for me so far.
You know when youre a kid and youre like "i'll never be my parents, i'll be so much cooler and smarter" then you wake up one day and youre them...thats happened.
My mom in love is a doormat...she gives everything to these utter dickholes (seriously shes never dated a good man..she attracts fucktards cuz she just wants to be loved)(hmm so familiar!?) and gets very little in return besides trampled all over. Apparently, thats not even how im supposedto be. Apparently - your love style is formed in childhood by how your parents treat you....so even when youre an adult and meet "a great person" you might not even like them cuz youre used to being neglected or put down. Very interesting right? Ive learned a lot lately...about myself...how i treat myself because of how others treat me or have treated me in the past. Even my idiotic roomate has the nerve to constantly tell me who i am..and what i need to do, as if hes some authority on my being. Yesterday he was telling me I need to file down my sharp edges...and I was like "no". He proceeded to tell me how great his life has become since hes done the same and in my head im like "da fuk you talking bout...i think youre a more horrible person since i met you fuckin dickhead!" I digress. Back to the point - Ive spent my life...hating myself...making myself small..believing other people just know me so much better than i know myself..and that im somehow horribly defective...in being who I am. Fuck that and fuck anyone trying to spout that noise to me now. I love me, I love who I am and have always been....yeah Im awkward n clumsy...i fuck things up...but im also honest and loyal, genuine,protective, outspoken...and beautiful when I wanna be. If you dont like me the way I am...you can fuck off. i dont need to "file my edges"...you need to man up bitch! grow a pair and get a spine...if my mouth/mind intimidate you..how much of a wuss are you!?
I feel like I actually loved the guy I was gaga over a little while ago. I have never treated a man like that in my life...I had so much patience with him...so much understanding...I never pushed him out of his comfort zone for my benefit. I always tried to think of how he'd feel...and i just let it go at his pace. Which ended up being like 4 months of talking to part ways after - what I thought was an amazing date. I was surprisingly heartbroken even tho there never really was a "we". Again..like usual...I invested more of myself than he ever did. I felt this huge connection and he probably didnt give the slightest f*. He prob hasnt thought of me since...and Ive felt a pang of sadness everytime someones mentioned him.
Yesterday I found out he just found out he has testicular cancer from my roomate...and all I wanted to do was rush out and help him somehow and hold him. Cuz thats who I am.

Im that girl...that just wants to help and care for people who dont give a flying f* about her...with all her sharp edges. Forever. Just like my mom.
why do I care so much? I shouldnt...at all...ever.

Last 5 Entries:
what a piece of shit - 2018-10-02
- - 2018-09-16
monsters - 2018-08-22
that girl - 2018-06-22
compassion assassin - 2018-06-15