Have you ever just not wanted to be yourself anymore?
Like you were so sick and tired of who you were, you just wanted to be anyone else in the world?
I hate who I am.
i hate that Im so honest and genuine.
I hate that Im so real. I always just want to say what I think, and when I dont, I feel stifled. Im sure not everyone wants to hear or know my opinion, yet I feel like I should always be completely honest w people.
I hate that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I hate that I cant play games to try to get anyone. I hate that I care about love at all. Why do I, all love has ever done to me is walk in, steal my heart after much resistance and hurt me in the end. Why do I think its this great thing that I need?
I hate that Im nice. Even when I dont want to be. Even when people are horrible to me, i'll turn around and be nice. Understanding. I always give 110% to anyone who needs me. I hate that I care about so many people who dont and will never care about me. Even on something as stupid as facebook..if anyone on there was ever in a really bad place, id offer any help I could. But if the tables were turned and say I just posted "hey would anyone like to get a coffee?" Nobody would respond. And in describing any of these people Id prob use the term "friend" instead of "acquaintance".
I hate that I have manners. I hate that Im honest. Id probably be ahead in life if I just lied and walked over people to get where I wanted to go. If I could use people for my advantage. If I could be fake. But I cant..not even a little. I feel gross when Im even a little fake just by not saying everything i think. Life would be so much better if I was fake.
I hate that I just always want to believe in the best in people. I just want to believe people are good so badly that i'll even try to make excuses for them when they suck. Especially guys. I always want to believe theres one thats "different". One who is actually honest in their words and actions. But they never are. Theyre all the same. They say the same things, they do the same things and I fall for it every singke time. "No no...really hes different". No he aint..hes a shit like all the rest.
I hate that Im fair. Even at my own detriment. I will never take credit fir something that wasnt my idea or butt in line or boost myself above everyone else to get ahead. But anyone else would do these things to me without the bat of an eyelash.
I hate that Im courteous. I dont sit in the handicapped seating on the bus, even when im dead tired carrying a bunch of bags...but then...a big fat piece of shit will come take up the whole row with bags or whatever...not even considering anyone else.
I hate that im so open and so closed at the same time.I give my opinion so freely, but then I feel completely vulnerable when I spread kind or loving emotions to people. Or I say the opposite so that people dont know how hurt I am or know me even. I hate feeling vulnerable whatsoever...I feel weak when I expose some of the things about my life to people. I never want people to see me as weak or feel sorry for me. And the problem is..when i actually tell people..its like a floodgate and then I need them. I dont like needing anyone. Again, I feel weak when I do.
I hate that im a good person because its never gotten me anywhere. I have bad or cranky spazzy thoughts yes...but ultimately I just wish the best for everyone and anyone. Even if I barely know you I want you to be healthy and happy. Yet I can go out and meet people who just hate me to begin w and they have desires to break me down or use me or whatever else. Ive had bosses who just get a kick out of trying to make me feel like complete shit because I didnt want to obey them. I dont understand people like this at all.
I always think I love myself and who I am...always pride myself on being different and unique....but now I hate that I cant be like everyone else...because it seems like it stops me from getting ahead or anywhere. It alienates me. Nobody wants to hear the truth, people dont like it at all...and its the only thing I speak. Nobody wants to be friends w the killjoy (even though I think im fun..some people are so put off by my honesty). People dont want to hire real people they want fake "omg hey you are so awesome" people. Interviews are basically contests of who can lie the best! Nobody wants to hear truth there. "Oh hey can you give me this job I dont want so I can pay my rent-thanks!"
I just dont know how to succeed in this world being who I know I am. I fail at love, I fail at jobs ..I fail at life being real and nice. I hate it |